Though I’ve been in training for long years now, and though I’m not exactly a young man anymore, I still have hopes that my installation as Emperor of the Universe is imminent. The universe needs me; our country needs me.
My proposal is modest: let’s lower the crime rate and shrink the population at the same time. I want to make life safer and the planet healthier all at once.
Here’s the deal: one simple punishment for all crimes, meted out the day the crime is committed. No more years spent arguing cases up the judicial ladder; no more millions spent housing criminals; no more pretense that we are about rehabilitation when in fact we’re all about restitution and vengeance. We make every crime a capital offense and we make all sentences the death penalty. Boom. Done.
Those three idiots who ran the red light and almost sideswiped your car? Dead.
Nidal Malik Hasan, the Fort Hood shooter? Put to death.
Those two drivers who blocked the intersection so no one could move? Executed.
Those fools who drive too fast in the snow because they have 4-wheel drive but still manage to skid and hit someone? Shot.
James Eagen Holmes, arrested after he shot up the movie theatre in Colorado? Gone.
That guy who waits for the clerk to ring up all his groceries and waits until every single item is bagged and only then starts to look for his checkbook? Charged with disturbing the peace and executed.
Just as the tax code needs to be simplified, let’s simplify the criminal code as well. Misdemeanors, felonies? Who cares? A crime’s a crime. The herd needs some thinning; let’s do it.
Addendum: I just heard that 27% of the population believes that god plays a role in determining who wins sporting events. I’m thinking stupidity should perhaps be a capital offense too. Same punishment.
I was given this button by an employee over 30 years ago; still proud of it.
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