You still in touch with Ransom Wilson?

I was on my way out of my Yale building today when I ran into a faculty member I’ve known for twenty years. Not known well, but known enough to say hello to and chat with at after-concert receptions. He asked me the above question.

I was stunned, but managed to answer, “yes, been married to him for twenty-seven years.” (That’s not technically true, though we have been together that long). The professor told me about hearing one of Ransom’s former students play and about how impressed he had been; I promised to pass on his comment.

As I walked away I pondered his question to me. I wondered if he had ever asked a straight colleague “Are you still in touch with Jane?” – or whomever the straight friend had married. I doubted it.

As irritating as this question was, it reminded me of one even more insulting, one that I haven’t forgotten after fifteen years or more. I was at a performance when, during intermission, I ran into Joe, a therapist I had once seen professionally. He asked, “Are you and Ransom still together?”

That time I was more than irritated. I was angry. This guy was gay himself and knew that Ransom and I had a very strong relationship. Are you still together? What an insulting question! Back then too I wondered, did he ask that of his straight friends? “Hey Judy, are you and Stefan still married?” I DON’T THINK SO.

Yet both these men thought it was ok to ask me such a question. I’m sure they would both be shocked to be called a homophobe, but I’m here to say, “J’accuse!”

Do NOT trivialize my relationship. Do NOT assume because it is a gay relationship it won’t last. Do NOT say to me something you would never, ever say to one of your het friends. If you don’t respect my husband and me every bit as much as you respect a married couple, then keep your fucking thoughts to yourself.