Hard to be thankful

My friend Don emailed me yesterday:

"I hope you're having a wonderful Thanksgiving Day. Are you cooking? If so, I know it'll be a great meal.

I'll be having Thanksgiving dinner this evening at my nephew's house. His wife is the best cook in the family, and she'll be ably assisted by my niece, who is the second best cook in the family. (She makes the best stuffing.) This year I'll be the oldest at the table for the first time. That certainly makes one think hard about one's life."

In fact, Thanksgiving itself makes me think hard about my life. And I’m not so happy with what I see.

Don’s family numbered 13 at dinner; my cousin Meg hosted 22. Me? I cooked for the two of us. I didn’t even bother with a turkey, but rather, roasted a chicken and did  traditional side dishes: stuffing, mashed potatoes, brussel sprouts, green beans, broccoli and of course Mama Stamberg’s cranberry relish; for dessert, homemade brownies and homemade chocolate sauce with ice cream between them. It was all good, though I’m not sure I’d agree with Don that it was a “great meal.”

More to the point, it was not a great occasion. I love my husband and I’d rather be alone with him than with a group any day, but I fear I have carried it too far; we almost never entertain; we hardly have any friends that we hang out with and we almost never take part in any social gatherings. Hence, just the two of us at dinner.

My knee is in almost as much pain as it was last February after the replacement. Along with that the other leg’s heel spur is throbbing, likely because I am walking differently since surgery. Being on my feet cooking for several hours did me in and I ate very little, retiring to watch TV in bed right after cleaning up – and we ate at 2:30!

But aside from this specific reason why I wasn’t up to entertaining this year, the overarching truth is that even without the physical issues the day would likely have been the same. I have become the curmudgeon I used to only kid about being.

I don’t like it. I want to change. I want to be happy again. I want to have friends and do things with them. I know I can make that happen; I need to force myself to make it so. If I do that then maybe I will truly have something to be thankful for.