Life sucks, and then you . . . limp?

In a few days five months will have passed since I had my right knee replaced. It was an intense three days in the hospital and then three more at the Yale Health Plan, followed by lots of physical therapy at home and even more at a New Haven facility. Through it all I kept getting stronger, my flexibility increased and the pain lessened.

At least until recently.

In the last month my knee has been stiffer and more sore than it had been. Mornings are the worst, though in fact anytime I move my knee after even a few minutes of inactivity, the pain is intense. At first I thought it was my fault because I wasn't doing my exercises very faithfully, and I didn't want to seem like a whiner, so I didn't seek help. (This is genetic I think: my Dad might have survived his bout with pneumonia had he gone to the doctor sooner, rather than tough it out and keep quiet).

Eventually I realized there was something truly wrong so I visited my surgeon. Another part of my hesitation to seek help is that I had already seen him once before when I thought I wasn't healing quickly enough. He had told me to chill, that everything was ok.

No chilling this time. This time he withdrew a syringe of blood – extra large size – sent me to the lab for more blood work and referred me for a bone scan. All of this was okay with me – in fact, I was pleased that I wasn't just being a whiner – until I called to schedule the scan, at the Smilow CANCER Center! Holy amputation, Batman, WTF?!

I spent the last 48 hours quietly freaking out. Words like bone cancer, chemotherapy, hair loss, amputation, crutches tumbled through my fearful head. “How would I drive? How would I work? How would I cope?”

This is the point where you're expecting me to say it all worked out and that I'll be fine. Sorry, I'm not there yet. Not sure I will be there. The technician put me at ease a bit when he told me the scan was not looking for cancer; they were just trying to see what's going on.

I have no answers yet, just questions.

And pain.

Lots of pain.

Did I tell you life sucks?