I honestly love you

I received this photograph the other day; it rocked my soul. That's me and Chris Shepherd, the major love of my life before I met Ransom. I don't know the details of the picture, but it choked me up to see it. There's a piece of my heart with Chris's name on it. That was true in 1978 when we started dating; it is true today, even though Chris passed away in 1994. I can still cry - and usually do - when I hear our song, "I Honestly Love You" by Peter Allen and Jeff Barry. (Cue the derisive laughter).

I met Chris when he was a senior in high school; he was dating a friend of mine. He was comfortable with who he was -- far more comfortable than I would have been at 17 -- and he was as cute as they come. It was four years later when we started dating; he was a student at UVa. For a variety of reasons he decided to take a year off from school and moved in with me in Richmond; we returned together to Charlottesville in July of 79 for his senior year. Alas, we didn't make it, and by January of 1980 he moved into his own apartment. It was without question the most painful break-up of my life, to a great extent because I knew it was mostly my fault. Of course it takes two to make a relationship work, or to make one fail, but I was far more the bad guy than he was. 

On the day of UVa's commencement five months later he called, inviting me over to see him and say goodbye. From that night on we were dear friends again and I cherished my relationship with him. His sister Ashley had a hard time tracking me down in 1994 when Chris died and in fact reached me at 7pm the day before his memorial service. I was in Connecticut but I told her I'd see her in Richmond -- nothing could keep me from trying to get there in time. Thanks to a lot of luck and the extraordinary help of my devoted friend Sally, I made it to the service. I cried a lot that day and that night and, as I said, I still cry now.

We had a rocky time of it and we were lovers for only two years, so why all this emotion? I'm not entirely sure. All I can say is that he touched me in a way that no one ever had. I love my husband and our relationship is far stronger than mine was with Chris, but Chris and I had a connection that was special. I know that, no matter what I had done better, we would not have made it; we just weren't cut out to be married -- not to each other at least. We were cut out though to be in love for the rest of our lives, and we were.

And why that song? Before he took that year off I often visited him in Charlottesville. One weekend we had had a particularly wonderful time together and come Monday morning, as he went off to class, I was feeling just too smitten to leave. So I took a day off work and went to the store for steaks and wine and flowers. I made dinner and lit candles. When he got home there was a note on the door that read:

Maybe I hang around here a little more than I should

We both know I got somewhere else to go

But I got something to tell you that I never thought I would

But I believe you really ought to know

I love you, I honestly love you.

True then. True now.